G12

back fr trip. was great.. but will not post my report here. .

went straight into G12 conference. for past 3 days. its so happening.. the messages were really meaningful, and i learnt a lot. an overwhelmingly strong Spirit of faith and inspiration from the speakers, men who seek after God's heart.. and each altar call we would run down to to receive God's anointing, and .. its amazing loh.. really taste and see that the Lord is good. quite hard to describe in human words what we received in our hearts. it's just.. God.

the most meaningful altar call for me was one where Ps Cesar released the rhema word after we had already reached the ground. he spoke the word from revelations, I know your deeds... but I hold this against you.. you have lost your first love.. ask the Lord show you what made you lose your first love.. it jus really spoke to me.. i jus asked Him over and over.. what made me lose my first love.. His word to me.. i have lost confidence along the way. i have lost confidence in Him.

came back and was jus thinking abt it.. and how.. knew there was something there.. You asked me "what made you lose confidence in Me..?"

i had been distracted by the things ive been blessed with, the ministry, the people, wonderful people though they are, and i loved them with all my heart, really.. struggling with my feelings of inadequacy of leadership.. disappointments.. with myself.. with others..

i was also afraid of feeling the burden of God for the lost.. i remember, at one pt in my JC life, i wld enter a bus and feel burdened for the lost i cld see sitting on the bus.. and would quietly pray for them on my commute.. feelings of wanting to reach out, but yet not know quite how to do it.. its a heaviness of heart.

but Lord... was thinking of how i received the burden for the lost in the first place.. why i thought abt missions since i was 16.. and i realised, its because of how You changed my life when i met You.. how i had felt so alone, so lost, out of place, fearful and with no reason to hope for the future.. and when i met You, You changed everything. You taught me You accepted me, loved me and affirmed me because You just do.. because You are my Father.. amazing.. and Your love healed me in such wonderful ways. and made me grow to see and love myself and love others the way You do. and i felt so deeply that others do not need to suffer needlessly the way i once did when You want to restore them to their rightful place with You. Home. Loved. Accepted. and gently invited to grow out of that position of love and acceptance.

and over the last 4-5 years, i forgot how terrible it once was to be lost. i became so comfortable.. and to live a subsidised Christian life. i'm sorry Lord.. restore to me my first love. if it means to receive Your heart of burden again, then give it to me. i do want Your dream to come true. Your Heart's cry to be so in me that i can always find the place in my heart to cry with You. i give thanks to You Lord, for You are good, Your love endures forever.

i think somewhere along the way.. i decided to be close enough to God to know His blessings.. even do a bit of ministry to tell myself im alright.. but away enough not to hear or know His heart's cry.. but not to know Your heart, Lord.. is really not to know You.. and i dont want that anymore. thank You that You give generously to Your children. and You desire to give good things to us. Thank You Father. :)