was reading some of my old posts, and found them encouraging.. feel that the person 8 yrs ago was more chipper then i feel now. but a lot of the verses i wrote back then still encouraged me when i read them. like this one..

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14: 14

Newness. was thinking today. i used to relate more emotionally, and then for a period in China i was in charge of stuff and wld be q task for periods. i think both extremes are not good. but if one shld err.. it wld be better to err on the gentle side..

Newness. need to find some newness in the way i look at things. and also to be under His covering. and look at things looking out from under His covering..

having yr end blues.. thought i would list down what we were doing this yr..

spent a few mths thinking we were gng to USA long term, and living like we were.. decided we were not gng to go usa long term.. and changing our mindset to staying.. changed church in the mid-yr mark.. went to USA for 2 mths.. explored multiple tuition options, met up a couple of them, still nothing yet.. bank loan got disbursed this year.. Wanx came to sg! CY got married! Isaac went to china for a week.. our new house is nearing completion.. somehow the thought of moving is kinda stressful.. more changes again.. got an NTUC card.. consolidated our billing system.. tweaked my schedule agn.. did x and y and z.

actually im still kinda undecided abt the new X. some elements are kinda disturbing. i just dont really get it yet. some things they do are kinda cool, but some ideas they have are kinda disturbing.

just thinking abt what we did this yr makes me tired.

CY getting married! :)
next yr suppose to move to our new home :)
we are adjusting to the new fellowship. Been good so far..
thinking abt our china friends today. i miss them..

This week had some news of CY, Xiao Peng , ZZF.. last week i hung out with WX for a bit. I do miss them. Was so glad to hear from them and relatively good news.
CY wrote me a nice letter about how she appreciated our help and care and prayers the past 3 years. She said she had learnt to care for others as well as reflect on her own actions. Im so glad she completed her studies, and has grown through the experiences. She does sound more mature and more developed in her thought processes.
ZZF wrote me a nice letter and YM sent me a photo of it. He is so sweet. He said his handwriting not nice, hope I can read it. I thought his handwriting was like mine. What made it extra precious is I know he is not academically inclined and probably took some time to write every word, which would be more challenging with his one good eye.. He said I will always be their big sister. And he mentioned being thankful to know about Him. How precious. It really warmed my heart.
CY mentioned Xiao Peng fellowships with her group regularly, and that he is well. Though she did not say much more, I am glad for this little bit of news. I do hope that I can see them again, hopefully along the way on a short trip some day soon..
Dear Lord, please bless them and keep them in You. May they know You are with them and be the strength of their hearts. Amen.

i just wanted to record that the speaker released the word joy, joyfulness on me. That was what came to her as she was praying for me.

The Lord's words are so precious. :)

flying on friday! and Isc is the pilot!

I watched 4 seasons of vampire diaries for the past week! :p

also, looking back, i do enjoy doing pilates.

a few thoughts came to me today.. He spoke to me about starting anew again. stop looking at the past, leave it behind. look forward and start anew. look around me at what i have, and decide what i want to put into this new life. have thankfulness, and new excitement.

well i guess i do want to have more exercise and deliberate healthy eating. also some community service. Thankful to hv Isc with me and all he is. Thankful for my friends who kept in touch. thankful for a place to stay and my job and its hours. hopefully we will settle down in church.

i also want to say only positive things. refrain from negativity. when i was in charge of a project, i was constantly evaluating and reevaluating the project and how to do it better etc.. unfortunately it made my reflex action to try to fix things and made me more critical. i dont want to be like that.. wat a stressful way to live. to keep turning things over in the mind and pick at it.. i pray for more thankfulness and being present, less detachment.

new beginnings. approach with a clean slate. hopefully will cut down on screen time.. sigh. too much screen time. makes me feel like a usb thing plugged into the computer..

reading this book http://www.gfa.org/resource/detail/living-light-eternity/

'We find no committee meetings in the book of Acts. We
find long hours of prayer, fasting and waiting on God to move.'

i like blogging because its more private than fb.

our 5th wedding anniversary yesterday and we went to tomato street for dinner. apparently it was the wood anniversary so Isc gave me a wooden bracelet. He also surprised me w flowers and the beautifully wrapped up gift.

enjoyed picking berries here! so far i hv picked strawberries, raspberries and blackberries. just picked blackberries yest, they were the easiest to pick! easy to spot when ripe, big, black and juicy. they fill up the bucket really fast. :) they are so pretty looking.

I like the sounds of sprinklers going off at night..
I also like the sight of sprinklers watering the fields.

Your purpose in life is to be with God. Just be with Him.

Just as you cannot have faith without deeds, as you are with Him, the serving will follow. But the focus is not on the serving, the focus is being with God.

something to remember on pms days.

Practice grace.
Only God can meet my needs. Give purpose to my life.

some random thoughts.

I still want to do missions. but dont envision longterm in the near future.. maybe in the further future?

contemplating doing something related to prisons..

went to Houston, visited the museum of natural science, saw a lot of dinosaurs for the first time. real dinosaur bones! how cool is that. also we went to NASA and touched a moonrock 3.2 billion years old! and we went to the Alamo! got to see my uncle and aunt's home, v lovely home they have. didnt know my uncle was so handy, he placed all the stone flooring in the backyard himself! we ate: vietnamese food, texan bbq, greek, chinese, malaysian food, tex-mex, and bison. V cosmopolitan place Houston is, even more than sg.

North Idaho is pretty in its way too. wide open spaces, rivers, lakes. chipmunks and hummingbirds frequent the outside of the house along with plenty of forests. the occasional deer crossing the road. i saw 2 wild bunnies in the backyard (which is actually acres and acres of forest). how cute is that. its calming to be near nature.

contemplating short-term trips. maybe our house will be ready next year.. that would be nice. should we get a second hand car? but then saving $1000+ a month by not having a car is v attractive. still remember gng to plaza sing and having no parking , exiting and having to pay for entering the carpark. not so fun that.

Wonder if it is do-able to take 3 mths off a yr.. that could also be work 3 mths take 1 mth off.. but the finishing up and starting agn may b too disruptive.. something to think abt. working on and on without a good long break to contemplate is not the way to go if we can manage something different. makes me feel numb and robotic.

hope to get tog with WX and hang out with her regularly in her 3 yrs here. also want to do some basic rock climbing regularly.. CY had a whole saga last mth that had me worried abt her.. but sounds like things are coming along with her dad changing his mind to accept her bf , with his burn injury and everything.. prayerfully commit her into Your hands.. Isaac flying on monday.. pray for his safety..

sometimes we forget to dream. because we have no time. because we are tired after the exertions of just keeping a basic life running. because it becomes an easy excuse.

but i wonder, are you truly alive, or just existing, if you forget to dream.

no matter what happens, in 60-70 yrs (?) it wont matter, cos we will be dead and either in heaven, or in hell.

and then we will look back and hopefully, we completed the mission He had for us..

i wonder how much more down time i need before i jump back in the river.

i read this book, 'Who moved my cheese?'. heard of it before but never thought to read it, till i was waiting for Isaac to be done in a bookstore.

this phrase struck me.

' what would you do if you weren't afraid? '

something to think about.

 

Trees

I THINK that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,	5
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.	10
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.	Joyce Kilmer. 1886–1918

Surrounded by trees now and they are beautiful.

Read somewhere that being with nature destresses people. It's true. 

I wonder if it is something to do with nature being the witness of God. 

'For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse,..' 

Romans 1:20

Missing pieces of the heart

Hung out with S recently. It was really nice just to sit and connect again. Some people are like missing pieces of ur heart, u dont realise it till u reconnect with one of them.. there is a time for everything.

25 “There will be signs in the sun, moon and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. 26 People will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken. 27 At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. 28 When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”

34 “Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap. 35 For it will come on all those who live on the face of the whole earth. 36 Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man.”

Luke 21:25-28, 34-36

I've always liked the verses about the end of the world.. not because i'm morbid, but just the security in knowing what is going to happen, takes some of the fear away. And also the verses that describe Jesus coming in great power and what He will look like, brings His reality into our reality.

Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap.

I feel like there are alternate realities to this life i am living.. there is the one where i think about what He says and it seems that life should be different. And there is the one where we eat drink and make merry and nothing we say or do seems to really matter. just existing. The world goes on with or without us and we are just cogs in a wheel.

the problem is, no matter where i place in the rat race, i am just a rat in the end.. and everyday i am part of the world's game.. and its such a game.. perhaps it is a problem with vision..

well recently some words of wisdom(?) ; about how what we do everyday is part of His work and His kingdom, in restoring physical health and function, as that is what Your kingdom will look like. ok.. still thinking that one over.. it that a cop-out? at the moment i feel , no , there is some truth to it , but at the same time, i am looking for something more..

i guess, back there, it felt like it was clear what i was doing, and why, and it was a life where we take what He says seriously. here, its just mixed up, trying to live for Him and ourselves at the same time. Trying to be more 'normal', to fit in.. playing the role.. other pple do it.. why cant i just do it..

hitting the ground running, 'idleness'.. what do u do while you wait.. just wait some more.. because He has His timing.. because He knows the plan.

meanwhile, maybe i can work on equipping while waiting.. :)

i went for altar call. cant remember the last time i did that.
was it because i was sitting near the stage.. was it because the person next to me went..
altar call was something about receiving prophecy.. and what struck me about the message was about not trying to 'help' fulfill Your plans in the way Abraham thought he was trying to help when he had a son with his wife's maid..

i feel i have been looking around for something to do. and i still have not found it.
You also said going for altar call is an act of humility..

our plans change again for now. and it is kinda a relief. we can make plans again? it is a strange feeling.

looking for a place to join again.. beginning to wonder if that is ever possible. of cos it is. still.. i must confess i am not terribly hopeful.. and i do find it is q hard to engage.

like-minded friends are hard to find, pple who are just the same amount of weird as you. these are precious when you do find them. :)

twinkle check

i look and you and you look at me and we *twinkle*.

sometimes, i look at You and You look back and we *twinkle*.
but on days where my heart is cold and hard, it is harder and takes longer to find the *twinkle*.
and that is when i realise that all is not as it should be..

Listening to a song and the lyrics go "... i so need You.."

and You remind me of a time when You asked me".. did i ever think that You would need me too..?"

.. and at that time i said, " that's ridiculous of course.. how could You ever need me.. You are You and i am just.. me .. "

But i understood what You meant.. You don't need me.. but because of love.. You do..

Just in the same way You are missing all the others..

sometimes i feel like i am in cn again where my life takes it turns by being made empty and then being filled with things i may not naturally have chosen for myself.. but where things appear and are chosen for me, and i allow it, observing it as it happens .. it is interesting that it is happening again. i thought i left it behind in cn. it was great.. but it was also v hard in its own way.. i dont know.. maybe this is the way things should be..

this city has a lot of glitz and shiny objects. it is all so empty.. most pple toil to have a foothold so that they can provide for their loved ones so that they too can toil when they grow up.. do all cities swallow you and spit you out.. is that what happens..

2 Kings 17:15
New Living Translation (©2007)
They rejected his decrees and the covenant he had made with their ancestors, and they despised all his warnings. They worshiped worthless idols, so they became worthless themselves. They followed the example of the nations around them, disobeying the LORD's command not to imitate them.

still.. there are little pockets of humanity here and there struggling to breakthrough..

how does it all come together to make sense.. complete extravagance, living next to abject poverty..

what is the sg dream.. house, car, kids in good school? so that they can grow up to work 10 hours a day in a mind-numbing cycle? maybe i hv been away too long.. i cant keep up with this pace.. this frenetic pace that jogs on the spot. a lot of energy but doesnt seem to be going anywhere most of the time..

maybe i am just moody today.. :p

it is so nice to be able to sleep in my own bed tonight. sigh. past week the house has been so dusty with the toilet repair/renovation going on. feels like being a refugee in my own house.. sleeping in the guest bedroom etc.. today i contemplated.. if being in a dusty house for a week depressed me and made me uncomfortable.. what about the people living on the 'trash mountains'.. i cannot begin to contemplate it..

i asked LK if she wanted to go back to Cn to do social work if there was opportunity.. and she said yes unhesitatingly.. she said social work in sg is q good already, while the social work situation in China is a lot worse.. kind of like dental needs in sg vs dental needs in Cn where u cannot find reliable treatment for miles in some areas.. i never thought of it like that before..i wonder if it is the same across for many professions.. i guess it could be..

sometimes i find myself being judgmental and critical.. and it includes being critical, maybe overly even, of myself. recently i asked You, why is it like that.. and You said.. well, it is because of your own insecurities. you think by following the rules, there is safety.. so you like to see everything as black and white as possible and follow the rules. but it is not true. safety is not found there. safety is found in Me. be more forgiving of yourself when you make mistakes. and remember to forgive others too.

i have enough points for 2 more years! :) PTL

reminder to self:

It is better to do less with more love, then to do more with no or less love.

sometimes the lesson is not only in the content, but in the way it is imparted as well.

sometimes people just need a friend.

i shall come up with a list of things to do in usa
- exercise regularly
- read books
- read dental books
- pray
- learn malay/guitar
- learn driving
- look for volunteer work
- write to overseas friends
- monitor the house and market

who knew chopping veggies could be so fun. haha. esp doing it w friends. :)

i think there is a certain kind of timing and destiny when it comes to making friends. God's timing and destiny, that is. some pple come and go, some stay, even when it is no longer convenient. and when you do come across these precious ones, it is heartening.

read in a fb post recently;

"God opens millions of flowers without forcing the buds.. reminding us not to force anything, for things happen perfectly in time."

i guess this speaks also about us having rest while we wait for the flower to open in its own time. in all our hopes for others and ourselves.

i like watching tv with Isaac. it is always interesting to find out what makes him laugh. and many times it is some American pop cultural nuance that would escape me and he would have to explain it. haha. it is fun thing to do, to discover more about your partner.

Listening to Josh Groban "To where you are"
and here are all the parts I find applicable to a love song to the Saviour :)

'Deep in the stillness
I can hear You speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That You are mine
Forever love
And You are watching over me from up above'

'As my heart holds You
Just one beat away
I cherish all You gave me everyday
'Cause You are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave'

'A breath away's not far
To where You are

I know You're there
A breath away's not far
To where You are'

no matter what background we come from, whatever we think we have or do not have, God is the Great Equalizer.

Praise the Lord!