God gives us many chances..

We also must give others second chance, third chance and so on..

hurt people hurt people..

allow God to heal your hurt, and you will lose the impulse to hurt the one who hurt you.. then you can interact with them from a place of peace and wholeness..

At service today:
The power of God is seen not by Christ coming down from the cross, but by Christ choosing to remain on it..

Papa..why is it that when pple pass away, i miss them more than pple who just lose touch gradually..?

woohoo.. i discovered wechat and i chatted w ym, cc and hm today! nostalgia overload.. but i was so grateful to hear some of their good news. Thank You Lord. sounds like they have been running hard for u.. cc is studying Your Word and being active in fellowship and gng for short trip next yr. Hm went home and is serving with the youth.. prev softspoken, seems she is speaking, sharing and leading actively now.. even more heartening is to hear how hm hangs out w cc periodically to recharge and cc got her teeth extracted by ym.. how good to hear of them supporting and encouraging each other.. ym had good news too, of 2 dear brothers, zzf and xp, opening their own shop w the help of a K teacher, and with some timely advice from ym team.. its so good to hear they have new friends who love and support them and seems they regularly appear at ch. thank you Lord. 

was talking to ht the other day.. he says he will go back to africa soon and he will stay as long as You allow him to. maybe he will sell his flat and mayb that is enough for 2 years.. the ground there is hard and u may not see fruit even after being there for a long time.. but even knowing that, he still wants to go, as long as You would have him there. i found that q encouraging. mayb also because of our conversation, i am even more grateful that i was allowed to hear of their good news today.. i know that among the ups and downs, perhaps there is some down times too that they have not shared.. but for all they have, Lord, thank You.

He came back to see me, and i gave him something to read. PTL. 

something bad happened recently.. and they need forensic dntsts.. it reminded me of the time you went to Aceh.. to help identify bodies.. we spoke almost every night.. we never spoke much of the horrors you saw.. we prayed.. even the volunteers needed counselling they said.. this time its very tragic again.. many good people..

If we do not follow Him, we will be like the fishermen who fished all night, expending all our energy with long hours and nothing to show for it..

If we follow Him, we will put out nets down when He says so, and in minutes haul in so many fish that the nets almost break.

If when He tells us to put our nets down , we refuse to listen, we will have no fish.

I Am in the boat with you.
when the waves are crashing outside,
I Am in the boat with you.

Isaac says: humility leads to holiness..

hmm. i guess my love language really is time.

feel like i want to take another long break.. attended an event recently where the photographer was kinda in-your-face about taking photos.. makes you wonder if the focus is on the event or on taking photographs.. how many photos of the exact same thing do you need anyway..

oo on a happy note, YM said her husband is gng to church with her and CY is pregnant. :) maybe i will get to see WX soon..

B surprised me w a pair of tickets to Maleficent today. which he didnt want to watch but he knew i wanted to. :)

i gave some money to a friend's NGO last month to support relocation of some families in another country. and it just occurred to me that the cheque one of my bosses gave me for last month was twice what it usually is, and the extra is about the same amount as what i gave my friend!

God's grace is amazing. another reminder He is my provider, and no man's debtor.

I met my love when I was 16. He had been waiting for me my whole life. He knew me before I even knew me. I met him briefly, but I really got to know him better at 17. He has never left me. He will be the greatest love of all loves. My greatest companion and my Hero. Thank You.

today at service, there was a call for a thanksgiving offering. and as i thought about it, i was thinking .. id like to give.. but should i decide who to give to? after all i know of a few v good NGOs or missionaries that would be v good 'causes' to support.. pple and org who i know are doing His will in steadfast faith that i could give to. maybe i should wait and contact them after service in the following days? Pastor had not said how the offering given would be handled..

The Lord spoke to me.. that this is not the spirit in which i should be giving.. trying to analyse who is a 'worthy' cause to give to in my human mind.. as tho the little financial offering means anything at all to the King who owns the cattle on a thousand hills..

He told me.. give to Me, and I will give to them.. (all the good pple and org that were running through my mind.)

I have no biblical basis on which to base this on.. but i believe there is a spiritual/heart currency that is produced when we give to Him in simple faith. And that is a currency that He can use. i find that when we give to the church and not to the Lord, it produces problems like dissensions and differences of opinion over expenditure. and i have seen many fall into that trap. Rather, give to Him, and find rest knowing that your small offering will go to exactly where He wants it to go.

thoughts on today's sermon Mark 14 ( the woman who broke open the alabaster jar of nard)
- what is your alabaster jar, would you give it to Him. time.. pride..
- she valued the Lord as worth more than the value of the alabaster jar, unlike the people.
- the people criticized her harshly . sometimes people may criticize/misunderstand you when you serve the Lord.
- maybe her actions challenged them and made them look bad , hence their reaction. Sometimes, our reactions can reveal what is in our hearts..

had tuition today. 2 hours of indices! n we are still not done!.. phew. i think she was tired too. mayb next time take a break after 1.5 hours.. SH is v bright. hope this year is a good year for her.

was reading some of my old posts, and found them encouraging.. feel that the person 8 yrs ago was more chipper then i feel now. but a lot of the verses i wrote back then still encouraged me when i read them. like this one..

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14: 14

Newness. was thinking today. i used to relate more emotionally, and then for a period in China i was in charge of stuff and wld be q task for periods. i think both extremes are not good. but if one shld err.. it wld be better to err on the gentle side..

Newness. need to find some newness in the way i look at things. and also to be under His covering. and look at things looking out from under His covering..

having yr end blues.. thought i would list down what we were doing this yr..

spent a few mths thinking we were gng to USA long term, and living like we were.. decided we were not gng to go usa long term.. and changing our mindset to staying.. changed church in the mid-yr mark.. went to USA for 2 mths.. explored multiple tuition options, met up a couple of them, still nothing yet.. bank loan got disbursed this year.. Wanx came to sg! CY got married! Isaac went to china for a week.. our new house is nearing completion.. somehow the thought of moving is kinda stressful.. more changes again.. got an NTUC card.. consolidated our billing system.. tweaked my schedule agn.. did x and y and z.

actually im still kinda undecided abt the new X. some elements are kinda disturbing. i just dont really get it yet. some things they do are kinda cool, but some ideas they have are kinda disturbing.

just thinking abt what we did this yr makes me tired.

CY getting married! :)
next yr suppose to move to our new home :)
we are adjusting to the new fellowship. Been good so far..
thinking abt our china friends today. i miss them..

This week had some news of CY, Xiao Peng , ZZF.. last week i hung out with WX for a bit. I do miss them. Was so glad to hear from them and relatively good news.
CY wrote me a nice letter about how she appreciated our help and care and prayers the past 3 years. She said she had learnt to care for others as well as reflect on her own actions. Im so glad she completed her studies, and has grown through the experiences. She does sound more mature and more developed in her thought processes.
ZZF wrote me a nice letter and YM sent me a photo of it. He is so sweet. He said his handwriting not nice, hope I can read it. I thought his handwriting was like mine. What made it extra precious is I know he is not academically inclined and probably took some time to write every word, which would be more challenging with his one good eye.. He said I will always be their big sister. And he mentioned being thankful to know about Him. How precious. It really warmed my heart.
CY mentioned Xiao Peng fellowships with her group regularly, and that he is well. Though she did not say much more, I am glad for this little bit of news. I do hope that I can see them again, hopefully along the way on a short trip some day soon..
Dear Lord, please bless them and keep them in You. May they know You are with them and be the strength of their hearts. Amen.

i just wanted to record that the speaker released the word joy, joyfulness on me. That was what came to her as she was praying for me.

The Lord's words are so precious. :)

flying on friday! and Isc is the pilot!

I watched 4 seasons of vampire diaries for the past week! :p

also, looking back, i do enjoy doing pilates.

a few thoughts came to me today.. He spoke to me about starting anew again. stop looking at the past, leave it behind. look forward and start anew. look around me at what i have, and decide what i want to put into this new life. have thankfulness, and new excitement.

well i guess i do want to have more exercise and deliberate healthy eating. also some community service. Thankful to hv Isc with me and all he is. Thankful for my friends who kept in touch. thankful for a place to stay and my job and its hours. hopefully we will settle down in church.

i also want to say only positive things. refrain from negativity. when i was in charge of a project, i was constantly evaluating and reevaluating the project and how to do it better etc.. unfortunately it made my reflex action to try to fix things and made me more critical. i dont want to be like that.. wat a stressful way to live. to keep turning things over in the mind and pick at it.. i pray for more thankfulness and being present, less detachment.

new beginnings. approach with a clean slate. hopefully will cut down on screen time.. sigh. too much screen time. makes me feel like a usb thing plugged into the computer..

reading this book http://www.gfa.org/resource/detail/living-light-eternity/

'We find no committee meetings in the book of Acts. We
find long hours of prayer, fasting and waiting on God to move.'

i like blogging because its more private than fb.

our 5th wedding anniversary yesterday and we went to tomato street for dinner. apparently it was the wood anniversary so Isc gave me a wooden bracelet. He also surprised me w flowers and the beautifully wrapped up gift.

enjoyed picking berries here! so far i hv picked strawberries, raspberries and blackberries. just picked blackberries yest, they were the easiest to pick! easy to spot when ripe, big, black and juicy. they fill up the bucket really fast. :) they are so pretty looking.

I like the sounds of sprinklers going off at night..
I also like the sight of sprinklers watering the fields.

Your purpose in life is to be with God. Just be with Him.

Just as you cannot have faith without deeds, as you are with Him, the serving will follow. But the focus is not on the serving, the focus is being with God.

something to remember on pms days.

Practice grace.
Only God can meet my needs. Give purpose to my life.

some random thoughts.

I still want to do missions. but dont envision longterm in the near future.. maybe in the further future?

contemplating doing something related to prisons..

went to Houston, visited the museum of natural science, saw a lot of dinosaurs for the first time. real dinosaur bones! how cool is that. also we went to NASA and touched a moonrock 3.2 billion years old! and we went to the Alamo! got to see my uncle and aunt's home, v lovely home they have. didnt know my uncle was so handy, he placed all the stone flooring in the backyard himself! we ate: vietnamese food, texan bbq, greek, chinese, malaysian food, tex-mex, and bison. V cosmopolitan place Houston is, even more than sg.

North Idaho is pretty in its way too. wide open spaces, rivers, lakes. chipmunks and hummingbirds frequent the outside of the house along with plenty of forests. the occasional deer crossing the road. i saw 2 wild bunnies in the backyard (which is actually acres and acres of forest). how cute is that. its calming to be near nature.

contemplating short-term trips. maybe our house will be ready next year.. that would be nice. should we get a second hand car? but then saving $1000+ a month by not having a car is v attractive. still remember gng to plaza sing and having no parking , exiting and having to pay for entering the carpark. not so fun that.

Wonder if it is do-able to take 3 mths off a yr.. that could also be work 3 mths take 1 mth off.. but the finishing up and starting agn may b too disruptive.. something to think abt. working on and on without a good long break to contemplate is not the way to go if we can manage something different. makes me feel numb and robotic.

hope to get tog with WX and hang out with her regularly in her 3 yrs here. also want to do some basic rock climbing regularly.. CY had a whole saga last mth that had me worried abt her.. but sounds like things are coming along with her dad changing his mind to accept her bf , with his burn injury and everything.. prayerfully commit her into Your hands.. Isaac flying on monday.. pray for his safety..

sometimes we forget to dream. because we have no time. because we are tired after the exertions of just keeping a basic life running. because it becomes an easy excuse.

but i wonder, are you truly alive, or just existing, if you forget to dream.

no matter what happens, in 60-70 yrs (?) it wont matter, cos we will be dead and either in heaven, or in hell.

and then we will look back and hopefully, we completed the mission He had for us..

i wonder how much more down time i need before i jump back in the river.

i read this book, 'Who moved my cheese?'. heard of it before but never thought to read it, till i was waiting for Isaac to be done in a bookstore.

this phrase struck me.

' what would you do if you weren't afraid? '

something to think about.

 

Trees

I THINK that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,	5
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.	10
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.	Joyce Kilmer. 1886–1918

Surrounded by trees now and they are beautiful.

Read somewhere that being with nature destresses people. It's true. 

I wonder if it is something to do with nature being the witness of God. 

'For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse,..' 

Romans 1:20

Missing pieces of the heart

Hung out with S recently. It was really nice just to sit and connect again. Some people are like missing pieces of ur heart, u dont realise it till u reconnect with one of them.. there is a time for everything.

25 “There will be signs in the sun, moon and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea. 26 People will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken. 27 At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. 28 When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”

34 “Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap. 35 For it will come on all those who live on the face of the whole earth. 36 Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man.”

Luke 21:25-28, 34-36

I've always liked the verses about the end of the world.. not because i'm morbid, but just the security in knowing what is going to happen, takes some of the fear away. And also the verses that describe Jesus coming in great power and what He will look like, brings His reality into our reality.

Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap.

I feel like there are alternate realities to this life i am living.. there is the one where i think about what He says and it seems that life should be different. And there is the one where we eat drink and make merry and nothing we say or do seems to really matter. just existing. The world goes on with or without us and we are just cogs in a wheel.

the problem is, no matter where i place in the rat race, i am just a rat in the end.. and everyday i am part of the world's game.. and its such a game.. perhaps it is a problem with vision..

well recently some words of wisdom(?) ; about how what we do everyday is part of His work and His kingdom, in restoring physical health and function, as that is what Your kingdom will look like. ok.. still thinking that one over.. it that a cop-out? at the moment i feel , no , there is some truth to it , but at the same time, i am looking for something more..

i guess, back there, it felt like it was clear what i was doing, and why, and it was a life where we take what He says seriously. here, its just mixed up, trying to live for Him and ourselves at the same time. Trying to be more 'normal', to fit in.. playing the role.. other pple do it.. why cant i just do it..

hitting the ground running, 'idleness'.. what do u do while you wait.. just wait some more.. because He has His timing.. because He knows the plan.

meanwhile, maybe i can work on equipping while waiting.. :)

i went for altar call. cant remember the last time i did that.
was it because i was sitting near the stage.. was it because the person next to me went..
altar call was something about receiving prophecy.. and what struck me about the message was about not trying to 'help' fulfill Your plans in the way Abraham thought he was trying to help when he had a son with his wife's maid..

i feel i have been looking around for something to do. and i still have not found it.
You also said going for altar call is an act of humility..

our plans change again for now. and it is kinda a relief. we can make plans again? it is a strange feeling.

looking for a place to join again.. beginning to wonder if that is ever possible. of cos it is. still.. i must confess i am not terribly hopeful.. and i do find it is q hard to engage.

like-minded friends are hard to find, pple who are just the same amount of weird as you. these are precious when you do find them. :)

twinkle check

i look and you and you look at me and we *twinkle*.

sometimes, i look at You and You look back and we *twinkle*.
but on days where my heart is cold and hard, it is harder and takes longer to find the *twinkle*.
and that is when i realise that all is not as it should be..

Listening to a song and the lyrics go "... i so need You.."

and You remind me of a time when You asked me".. did i ever think that You would need me too..?"

.. and at that time i said, " that's ridiculous of course.. how could You ever need me.. You are You and i am just.. me .. "

But i understood what You meant.. You don't need me.. but because of love.. You do..

Just in the same way You are missing all the others..

sometimes i feel like i am in cn again where my life takes it turns by being made empty and then being filled with things i may not naturally have chosen for myself.. but where things appear and are chosen for me, and i allow it, observing it as it happens .. it is interesting that it is happening again. i thought i left it behind in cn. it was great.. but it was also v hard in its own way.. i dont know.. maybe this is the way things should be..

this city has a lot of glitz and shiny objects. it is all so empty.. most pple toil to have a foothold so that they can provide for their loved ones so that they too can toil when they grow up.. do all cities swallow you and spit you out.. is that what happens..

2 Kings 17:15
New Living Translation (©2007)
They rejected his decrees and the covenant he had made with their ancestors, and they despised all his warnings. They worshiped worthless idols, so they became worthless themselves. They followed the example of the nations around them, disobeying the LORD's command not to imitate them.

still.. there are little pockets of humanity here and there struggling to breakthrough..

how does it all come together to make sense.. complete extravagance, living next to abject poverty..

what is the sg dream.. house, car, kids in good school? so that they can grow up to work 10 hours a day in a mind-numbing cycle? maybe i hv been away too long.. i cant keep up with this pace.. this frenetic pace that jogs on the spot. a lot of energy but doesnt seem to be going anywhere most of the time..

maybe i am just moody today.. :p

it is so nice to be able to sleep in my own bed tonight. sigh. past week the house has been so dusty with the toilet repair/renovation going on. feels like being a refugee in my own house.. sleeping in the guest bedroom etc.. today i contemplated.. if being in a dusty house for a week depressed me and made me uncomfortable.. what about the people living on the 'trash mountains'.. i cannot begin to contemplate it..

i asked LK if she wanted to go back to Cn to do social work if there was opportunity.. and she said yes unhesitatingly.. she said social work in sg is q good already, while the social work situation in China is a lot worse.. kind of like dental needs in sg vs dental needs in Cn where u cannot find reliable treatment for miles in some areas.. i never thought of it like that before..i wonder if it is the same across for many professions.. i guess it could be..

sometimes i find myself being judgmental and critical.. and it includes being critical, maybe overly even, of myself. recently i asked You, why is it like that.. and You said.. well, it is because of your own insecurities. you think by following the rules, there is safety.. so you like to see everything as black and white as possible and follow the rules. but it is not true. safety is not found there. safety is found in Me. be more forgiving of yourself when you make mistakes. and remember to forgive others too.

i have enough points for 2 more years! :) PTL

reminder to self:

It is better to do less with more love, then to do more with no or less love.

sometimes the lesson is not only in the content, but in the way it is imparted as well.

sometimes people just need a friend.

i shall come up with a list of things to do in usa
- exercise regularly
- read books
- read dental books
- pray
- learn malay/guitar
- learn driving
- look for volunteer work
- write to overseas friends
- monitor the house and market

who knew chopping veggies could be so fun. haha. esp doing it w friends. :)

i think there is a certain kind of timing and destiny when it comes to making friends. God's timing and destiny, that is. some pple come and go, some stay, even when it is no longer convenient. and when you do come across these precious ones, it is heartening.

read in a fb post recently;

"God opens millions of flowers without forcing the buds.. reminding us not to force anything, for things happen perfectly in time."

i guess this speaks also about us having rest while we wait for the flower to open in its own time. in all our hopes for others and ourselves.

i like watching tv with Isaac. it is always interesting to find out what makes him laugh. and many times it is some American pop cultural nuance that would escape me and he would have to explain it. haha. it is fun thing to do, to discover more about your partner.

Listening to Josh Groban "To where you are"
and here are all the parts I find applicable to a love song to the Saviour :)

'Deep in the stillness
I can hear You speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That You are mine
Forever love
And You are watching over me from up above'

'As my heart holds You
Just one beat away
I cherish all You gave me everyday
'Cause You are mine
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave'

'A breath away's not far
To where You are

I know You're there
A breath away's not far
To where You are'

no matter what background we come from, whatever we think we have or do not have, God is the Great Equalizer.

Praise the Lord!

here is a pic of me and Isaac :)

went to Universal Studios yesterday. Free tickets! Thank You Lord. walked ard a lot and rained a bit so a bit of cold today. Love the Sesame Street! All the structures inspire a sense of make believe so that makes it fun. :)

i kinda like my little corner of the internet here :)
gng USS this sunday!!
waiting for Wanping to finish her busy time..  den can go out!! :)

Mark 14:3
While he was in Bethany, reclining at the table in the home of Simon the Leper, a woman came with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, made of pure nard. She broke the jar and poured the perfume on his head.

⁴ Some of those present were saying indignantly to one another, “Why this waste of perfume? ⁵ It could have been sold for more than a year’s wages and the money given to the poor.” And they rebuked her harshly.

i remember a speaker once said, those pple said it was a waste, it shows they don't think Jesus is worth it. and sometimes we do things, pple may say, why u do this, why u do that, why u spend time and money. 

But Jesus is worth it. He is worth more than what we can ever give to Him. And it is an expression of worship, when we can give our best parts to Him. We are unworthy. He is worthy of more than we can give. But He doesn't look down on us. The same way a father would not look down on a biscuit his son saves for him from school, in fact he cherishes it.

And it is the best thing in the world, to be able to give your best parts to Jesus.

Like A said, God is a mystery.

so maybe we are gng to usa. maybe. ok most likely.

everything is so uncertain. sigh. i thought i left that kind to lifestyle behind when we returned to sg.

and interestingly, of all the things he could be interested in, he is into one that has a v uncertain career path. and one that doesnt easily translate to other pathways. and i cant work in usa. so flying back and forth etc etc... dunno.. really just need to keep praying about it.

i think that when we were in China, eventually we try to live some semblance of normalcy in a v different environment. so we are stressed out on some level, but we are used to being stressed all the time it becomes a normal thing which we then work our activities, plans, actions into. we are not even aware of being stressed anymore. but i feel it when i return to sg. cos i dont operate on that level anymore. however, sg has become crazy over the last few yrs so that is ano type of stress.

anyhow. i hope it wont be like that when we go to usa.

sigh.

guess what.. a few weeks ago, i was looking at my bank book transactions. and i noticed that throughout my time in China the past 3 yrs.. there was this person ( i think it is one person) who would transfer money into my account every month. there were other transactions too, made by other pple, who also greatly encouraged me by their support, but i more or less knew who they were as they had let me know beforehand.

but there was this one person, i did not know who, he/she would transfer ard $350 to my account every month at around the same date. and sometime it was more, like $500.

i do not know who he/she is.. but i was v encouraged. encouraged by the Lord, who provided, who cared, who let me know over and over again that i'm on His radar.. Encouraged by this unidentified person, who loved me and allowed the Lord to use him/her.

who says faith cant be seen? my bank book, in those years i spent in China, has faith written all over it..

im not sure why there is such a wide gap between pple who live in poverty and pple who live in seemingly excessive riches.

the pple who are 'rich'; well, many of them worked hard, took risks, invested wisely. maybe some of them inherited their wealth.

the pple who live in poverty; well, maybe some of them made bad choices, or just did not have many opportunities due to circumstances. all kinds of reasons..

im not sure why i find it disturbing. but i do know the thought of some spending excessively on seemingly frivolous things while others struggle to put food on the table, to give their children an opportunity at education etc.. that is disturbing. perhaps there seems to be some kind of injustice in this. though exactly how, I would not be eloquent enough to articulate. This is not how it is supposed to be. In His Kingdom, everyone shares so there is no lack. Like in Acts.. surely at least everyone should have enough to eat and to cloth their family and have opportunity for education. and also not have to work so much that their family hardly see them at all..

One day, He will ask for an accounting for what we have done with what we have been given. and those given much.. are in danger of being speechless on that Day.. that is a sobering thought.

and maybe there will also be some.. who thought they didnt have much.. who will find they had more than they thought they did after all..

'... From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.' Luke 12: 48

was just thinking.. typical sg family mthly expenditure:

housing loan installment: $2000
car expenses: $1000
domestic helper (many pple seem to have one): $500
1 child Montessori kindergarten: $200
modest groceries for 3 plus helper plus utilities hp bill etc : $2000

how do sg pple do it..

sometimes its nice to stay at home and not have to go out and pay service charge or gst.

maybe i am stingy that way. haha

was thinking the other day.. if i attend a wedding dinner and give $120 for ang pao.. wow.. i can do a lot with $120.. i can give to a charity.. i can support one of many missionaries i know.. i can give to a missions project.. i can make someone's day ( like an uncle or auntie selling tissue paper etc..). just food for thought.. so many things we spend money here in sg without a second thought..

tried doing pilates supposed to be a 30 min things.
1st time : lasted 7 mins.
2nd time : 23 mins

:p  hopefully can keep it up..
on ano note. here is a pretty song..

"Living alone here in this place
I think of you, and I’m not afraid
Your favorite records make me feel better
Cause you sing along
With every song
I know you didn’t mean to give them to me

Cause you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you"

its nice to hv frens. esp the ones in Him.

signing signing bank loan things today. good that things are moving along. Hope its all done by the time the next installment is needed.. found out i can get my stamp fee refunded thru CPF! good to have more liquidity. oh boy.. i can potentially foresee a lot of planning and things ahead.. but not much to be done now i guess except make some general notes here and there.. next yr is still a question mark. kinda stressful. but still carrying on. and experiencing His grace.

not many meetings this month. in fact i think we have not met for a mth. Things sure are different in different places. or is it also cos of our age grp. not sure how new pple r assimilated.. still observing how things work in this new place.

Trust Me.

another reminder i am too old to stay up past midnight. woke up this morning feels like ive ran a marathon. (ive never ran a marathon.)

or maybe it means i need some regular exercise.. haiz.

in love with Him..

everyday try to find some time to be.. in love with Him.

like when i look at IAJ and we twinkle at each other.

Catch His eye and *twinkle*.

i guess just as marriage takes time and effort to nurture.. so do we and Him..

As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
    he remembers that we are dust.
¹⁵ The life of mortals is like grass,
    they flourish like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ the wind blows over it and it is gone,
    and its place remembers it no more.
Psalm 103 : 13-16

I read this verse today and it reminds me that we are but dust. and we should not make too much of ourselves or think too highly of ourselves.  With the pressures of the big city, it is easy to get caught up in the culture of pursuits to have big house, big car, look good in front of others etc. This is all vanity.  Dust in the wind.

I hope more of my life can be invested in things that matter to the Lord..

The Lord works righteousness
    and justice for all the oppressed.
Psalm 103:6

I've been reading a friend's blog recently. And I find what she wrote v encouraging. The Lord has used her wonderfully and given her great compassion. O her blog is here http://blog.kitesong.sg/

She has great focus. As i contemplate my present life, i find i am not so focused. Distractions, hp, fb, tv, internet. everything with a screen has become a source of distraction and a drain in time and energy because of the way i use it. With focus, a magnifying glass can start a fire. I am inspired to regain my focus in Him.

Been back for about a year. Coming close to settling in a church? Hope so.. I guess i am trying hard to settle down. That's what i do, in my usual detached fashion. We bought a home, which is still being built. I think we gave finding a church, finding jobs, a good shot. Im glad Isc has found a passion/hobby/possible career choice in flying. Not many pple find something they thoroughly enjoy. I hope he can pursue it.

After swimming in a wide expanse, can a fish go back to living in a fish bowl? Sometimes i feel like that. I dont know what to focus on. Maybe i dont want to see/not ready yet? What if there is nothing to see? surely that is not possible right? a lot of dont know. Actually i sense there are things to do. Maybe I am not ready yet.

They are right. There is such a thing as re-entry. It takes time to move on. Even from good things. There has been so much change in the past few years for us. I wanted to believe that i was returning to something that has stayed the same. But everything has changed. Thank God for the precious few things that have remained or even gotten better. It has had its rough patches. But i am aware we are still v blessed and His hand is still upon us. I thank Him for the new things. In the past years, there has been much pain, loss, heartache. Also much thankfulness. n lessons. For a while mayb I just didnt want to feel anything. Is this part of re-entry? The country has changed so much too.. that doesnt help..

I'm not sure what it will take to be/stay focused. Sometimes i take the easy way out and numb myself with distractions. Sometimes i wonder if i shld just give up trying to settle down and devise plans to go elsewhere. But i wonder if that would be just me trying to distract/entertain myself with other things. If the motivation is not right, i dare not go. Remember Moses dared not go to the Promised Land without Him. Re-entry is kinda like jetlag, you feel out of sorts n out of sync.. 

We get so used to doing things out there. Doing, doing. Actually we are firstly His children. Children dont need to do anything to be His children and to enjoy Him, and for Him to enjoy us. Sometimes doing things may even be our false sense of security. But it is for naught. I find it difficult to not do things. to just be. I have changed too.

I miss the students. I wonder how they are doing. and because there is nothing much I can do, when I remember them, I commit them to Him.

Starfish. Sometimes there are so many needs in the world. Its hard to remember we are starfish.

I think it is important to fall in love a few times in your life. The most fortunate thing that happen to me is to fall in love with God. I am also thankful for the opportunity to fall in love with Isaac, missions. And to a lesser extent for shorter periods, things like rock climbing, rollerblading, JS, random periods of my life that taught me various lessons. I guess they also help me to know myself better, what I would give for, and to what extent. Sometimes I look back and think, I dont think I have that energy anymore, like do weekly visits to boon lay and travel to Boy's hostel to teach tuition in my year 3 uni. Or go to chinese church 3 times a week with a band of visually impaired youth. But I guess when He presents you with that challenge, and He gives you the passion to love something, sometimes you can surprise yourself and you dont even think much of it while you are doing it. Days become weeks become months and years and you look back and think, where did that energy come from.

I also think it is important to love unconditionally, not the emo/feelings type of love, but the kind that does what is needed day after day, without need for a return on your 'investment', not looking for 'fruits' or response. This kind of love is the most free-ing, most rewarding, and also the kind that leaves no regrets. Perhaps because it allows you to catch a glimpse of God.

In the end, God is most important in everything you do. 

they are not the enemy.. n judge not lest u be judged..
sigh.
no place to stay..  how..

Romans 12:21

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Romans 12:

¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”^[d] says the Lord. ²⁰ On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
    if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”^[e]

²¹ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

something to keep in mind. treat it as an exercise? 

i dont know what x did but i am so xxx cos i can see it upset him. 

feel v dot dot dot now. grrr. 

  

need some time to consider n calm down.

To my friend: i wanted to tell you, dont be afraid. follow what He has put in your heart, unchanging, all these years. take a chance. find out. we can live with much less then we think we need.

new beginnings one year later.

i would hv thot that by a certain age no more new beginnings. but it seems pple can hv new beginnings anytime! even 40s aso can. 50s aso can.

nostalgia.

there is no 'clean' start.. everywhere. mixed up. old and new mixed tog. v messy. no one stays the same. Human drama. up and down and all around. cant keep track of it all. all fleshed out. Death. Life. Deception. Violence. Pain. Helplessness. Ignorance. Regret. Sacrifice. Forbearance. Love. Humility. Promise-keeping. Trust.

and of course.. Just Dont Know.

sometimes i dont dare to play certain music because it makes me think of u.

listening to worship music now.

its q nice to do that.

rather than watching tv or surfing the net.

quiet house with music.

melancholy? not sure.

shall go eat an orange and think abt it some more.

Exercise faith.

i think there is something so mesmerizing about watching a musician play his instrument.
i like this grp
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR94NDIfGmA&feature=list_other&playnext=1&list=SP2FCE4EAED0A3000B

one time, two times(?), three times.
12. 26(?). 31.
1990. 2004(?). 2010.
what rubbish is this.
...........

ur gone but sometimes i still think of u.

n u know what

i still love u my fren

i guess i always will.

i guess changing cg is diff let alone changing ch. i miss having regular fwship n being settled in a ch.
who knows what the future will bring. sighs. maybe this is what its supposed to be. not so simple. by what terms do we judge a life well lived. by our job? by the works of our hands? by the things we accumulate? the descendants we leave behind? somehow i think it is non of these things. It's Your opinion that matters, and sometimes what You judge to be good we may not understand or be able to see..
and that is when we need to exercise trust..
and faith.
Sometimes so easy sometimes so difficult hor.
hehe.

T gave me a hug today as i was leaving after tuition. Aww...
H seems ok at math today! still a lot of careless mistakes tho..
confused now dont know if she v bad at math or actually not so bad?? but supposedly test score not so good.. think just need some confidence and practice.. dont know if have enough time anot.. prayerfully yes.. thats a consideration too when i think abt gng usa..

my 8 yr old tuition gal said she hadnt seen me for such a long time (3 weeks) and she had missed me.

aww..

I miss u. maybe because almost everybody here seems to be busy, and u always had time for me. Sometimes i think we might as well go usa.
time flies by and time moves slowly at the same time. 

Excerpt from marriage book im reading.

 

"The ultimate reason for their ongoing conflict was not his lack of affection or her lack of submission... So what was the cause? When one spouse was disappointed by the other, the response was anger and unkindness rather than love and self-control.."

The greatest love story in your life, is not going to be the one between you and your spouse, but the one between you and God.

phone spoil. sad sad :(

M left yest, WP left today, LZ leaving this sunday. :( everybody gone..

it felt like i had been flying a plane, looking for a place to land for the longest time. and i finally landed my plane. so im not the only odd duck..

today i was thinking, its not so easy to go back after being away and just pick up where u left off. square pegs in round holes. it seems like it should be easy, but its not. everything is still the same.. but everything's changed.

we had a really good talk. and it meant a lot to have someone understand so completely. i cant remember the last time i felt so understood..

time to go blading again :)

It's heartbreaking. There are no words.
The Lord be your strength.

'Take it slower, and realise what is important to you. '

it's better to go out and exercise than to spend the day surfing the net.

i like this song (ok my music taste is like my movie taste. v pop and easy on brain)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgAzK03CgJI

people cannot be replaced..

it was nice journaling at ECP today. :)

Dear Lord,
not enough days to love You.
You understand everything.
You are always there.
Thank You.

You know me completely.
You know me at my best and at my worst.
You know me when I love, in fact You probably put it there.
You know me when I have to leave it behind.
You know I'm not very good at dealing with it, I put it in a box and hide it somewhere.
And sometimes, in a quiet moment, I take it out and look through it with You.

once upon a time, you were there.
now i wont see you again till we are home.
i miss you.

went out with Wanping today and we had a good time. :)